Sunday, June 19, 2011

Regarding Fathers Day

Yeah, it's Fathers Day.

To me, it's just Sunday.

Yup, I'm a girl with "Daddy Issues".

This isn't meant to bash Fathers Day or all the fathers out there who deserve to have a special day, but for me, I woke up feeling like I had to write this...

♫♫ say what you need to say♫♫

I don't think about the man who provided the DNA to make me who I am often.  But when I do, I get irritated, like today.

My other DNA supplier has a lot of kids (I only know 2 of them).  From what my mother tells me, after his first born son, my brother Twan, was born, he desperately wanted a girl.  Boy, was he happy when she got pregnant with me.  He promised to love me and to be there.  He even picked my name.  My mom wanted to name me Chanel...he chose April.  #wishmymomhadstucktoherguns.

On November 9, 1979, his first daughter, April Jacqueline Chanel Harris, was born...2 months early. #impatientbaby #hadthingstodo.  He signed my birth certificate and that was about all.

I got cheated.  I should have been "Daddy's Little Girl".

As a kid, growing up in low income housing with other kids whose fathers weren't around, I didn't feel left out, except on Fathers Day.  Teachers weren't too understanding when I said I couldn't participate in making a beautiful macaroni, Popsicle sticks, and glitter gift for my dad because I wouldn't be able to give it to him.  That just sucks for a kid, ya know.

I would have liked to experience celebrating Fathers Day.  I love my mother dearly and she did the work of 2 parents and she did it with a smile.  But for me and my sisters, saying Happy Fathers Day to her just isn't the same.  She doesn't like to be reminded of the job she was forced to do.

At 31 years old, I'd like to think that my "daddy issues" are null and void.  I mean, who wants to admit that not having a father around truly screwed them up?  #notme  While I may not have spent years trying to find a man to "replace" the one who didn't love me, I've been affected by this in other ways.

Today is Fathers Day...the 31st Fathers Day that I've been forced to spend without my father. If I had a dad who loved me, who was there for me when I needed him to be, I would be paying the check on a fabulous breakfast, followed up by an AWESOME BBQ at my house with plenty of food, fun, laughter, beer, and music, and top it all off with the best gift I could afford.

I would have been a great daughter to my Dad...if only I had one.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Who's Your Biggest Fan?

Please don't say "my mother".

I'm my own biggest fan.  It's true.  I laugh at my own jokes.  I think I'm pretty freakin' fabulous!  I'm not being self-centered or narcissistic.  I'm being honest.

You have to ignore the people who want to drown you with cynicism and who harshly criticize your dream because it's your dream.  My dream is to be a successful Indie author. It's going to be a long tough road.  I know that.  I welcome it.  You know why...

Because as I travel down this road, I get to meet a bunch of cool people who are traveling right along with me.  People who may or may not laugh at my coffee and John Mayer obsession....people who may or may not understand my morning traffic commute rants.  But still, it's all good! (yup, I went there)

What I'm trying to say is basically, live in the NOW.  Be your own biggest fan.  It's never too late and you're never to old.

My motto is:  Live...Dream...Write.

That's about all I can do.